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I'm a simple man, not a simpleton. The worst thing any of our leaders can do is to get those two things confused. I'm a warrior for those things I believe in. I stand up for my friends, family, God, and country. All I truly want is for the government to stay as far out of my life as I can get it. Oh and just in case you haven't guessed it; I'm conservative in my bones.


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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Rules For Dating My Daughter

These were sent to me in an email some years back.  My daughter is less than a month from 13 and is becoming a beautiful young woman.  Much to my displeasure, there are 3 boys that are showing an inordinate amount of interest in her.  So I printed this off for her to give to them. 

She's still got a couple years before her first true date, but I feel it's important for everyone to know where I stand.

10 Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


Chuck O said...

I got a laugh out of a couple of those.

As a man of few words, I prefer-what you do to my daughter, I do to you.

gramma2many said...

I remember a time a young man got pulled over with my daughter in the car. When asked why he was speeding he told the officer that he was trying to get Angie home and her parents were going to be mad because they were late. The Officer told him we would be more angry if she were hurt or killed and gave him a speeding ticket.
And there was NEVER any pulling up and honking in my driveway.

Z said...

My dad had FIVE daughters and would have loved this list back in the day! Well, good luck; we all dated and lived to tell it (as did Dad, and our dates!) and married great guys! (of course, Dad didn't know EVERYTHING :-)..thank GOD)

SO funny..thanks for the posting!

tha malcontent said...

Good list, but you need a few more about morals, sport fan, political persuasion. ..

Alexander Münch said...


Perfectly written!
Clear, understandable, logic, honest and very well phrased!

Your 10 rules are much easier to follow then the Ten Commandments which nobody understands and/or can/will ever obey!


Greywolfe said...

Thanks guys, and ladies, for the comments. I love this list and found an application to date my daughter that had been posted later. I thought about posting that but this is so much funnier.

M. Rigmaiden said...

You so crazy! heheheheheh Now that was funny and universal!

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